I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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