After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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