My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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