Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
