I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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