Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize