Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
