i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
