I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
