if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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