I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
