I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
