saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
