i just snorted my name. best moment ever
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
