I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
