Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
