At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize