i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
