His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
