Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
sex in a hospital.. check
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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