Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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