capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
