mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Randomize
