currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
