did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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