i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
