My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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