just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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