So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
