did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
