Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
