I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize