He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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