I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I will pee on everything he values.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
