So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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