I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
