She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He did a backflip because drugs
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
