Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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