Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
