when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
