if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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