We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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