My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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