yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
