I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
