shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
