By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
