I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
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