It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize