how can u be prego again
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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