so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
