he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
