Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
my phone needs a breathalizer
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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