I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
