No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
