i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
