I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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