I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
