Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
