Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
