I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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