I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
