Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
