I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
